The Pearls, revisited

I wrote a review of Michael and Debbie Pearl here. The media is attacking them again recently because of the association the Williams family claimed to have with their publications. The story of the death of Hana Williams can be found here. First, let me be clear that I do NOT blame the Pearls for the death of Hana Williams. I'm sure there were many factors involved, but I cannot pretend to be able to analyze all the reasons psychopaths like the Williams have for their horrid crimes. I have actually defended the Pearls  against overly zealous critics who have not even read their materials and accuse them of promoting the brutal beatings of children. They don't; I can assure you. But when did we as Christians lose the ability to discern that even though something isn't horrible, it isn't the best way?

So I DO blame the Pearls for MANY things, and that's what this post is about. I am not a typical Pearls critic either. I'm a Christian who has read their material, who believes in training my children to obey, yes even through the means of sp@nkings. Let's not pretend all of their critics are the same. I have met several who are just like me.
I had read a lot of their book To Train Up a Child, but not all of it, so I decided to start. The book can be found online here.

Here are some quotes that weren't in my original review of them.

"They play together well, resolve their own conflicts and don't expect attention when one turns the rocking horse over and gets a knot on her head." So the first thing they do is set up unrealistic expectations. These children were young; can we really expect not to have to get up and ever help them resolve a conflict or discipline them for not resolving it correctly? These unrealistic expectations can create anger and guilt in a parents' life. The second part astounds me. I WANT my kids to know they can come to me for a hug and comfort when they hurt themselves. Since when is this unacceptable? Who are the Pearls to say we as parents shouldn't be doing this? Is it in the Bible?

"Proper training always works on every child." Again, unrealistic expectations. Either you or your child is a failure if this isn't true with your family. I'm sorry, do the Pearls live in the Garden of Eden? Because I don't. My children and I are fallen. EVEN IF this statement were true about my children, NO parent can do it perfectly! What then are we left with? This also explains why the Pearls are against adopting older children, since those children are past the "training age" they are impossible rejects who God can't reach (those aren't their words, but it absolutely IS the implication of that policy., and it is in DIRECT opposition to James 1:27 and a lot of other verses.) Adopted children will ruin your perfect family.

"You should be able to take a nap and expect to find the house in order when you wake." The context is talking about crawling babies. Again, unrealistic expectations, and very unsafe!

The practice of switching a 4 MO appears in the first chapter. I had not repeated this claim because I had not read it for myself, and frankly didn't believe it, but there it is.

"...training at home almost entirely eliminates the need for discipline--especially public discipline. Yet, should the need arise in public, do a flanking maneuver and administer it; then go home and train so that it never again happens in public." That's not what the Bible says. The Bible would not need to mention discipline if training were all that were needed. Again, unrealistic. If people are told they must train their child so that "it never happens again," I can totally see how this could lead to very harsh treatment. That's a tall order, "never happens again."

"Everyone's happiness was at stake, as well as the soul of the child." This is about a training session with a 12 MO. You see how the language takes everything up to a completely different level? I agree, training is important! I can influence my children greatly by how I discipline them. But their salvation is NOT my job! Repeat after me, "I can help lead my children to or away from God by how I treat them, but their salvation is NOT MY JOB!" It's not their job either. It's only and completely GOD'S JOB. I think part of the problem is that their theology is a little off in this area. ONE training session is not going to seal the fate of my child's soul! Heaven forbid the Pearls make parents into gods and have them carry that a huge stress they were not meant to carry! (There are other quotes like this one in the book.)

"Mother, if you think the father is too forceful in his discipline, there is something you can do. While he is away demand, expect, train for and discipline to receive instant and complete obedience from your children. When the father comes home the house will be peaceful and well ordered. The children will always obey their father, giving him no need to discipline them." This is an example of their taking submission by the wife too far. I agree that the mother should make sure she's training for obedience, but Matthew 18 has another course of action for a wife whose husband is in clear sin, and if there's any reason to use Matthew 18, child abuse should be it!

"Since this whining and crying to get his way is eventually going to lead to the mother being annoyed with the child, it is better, regardless of the mother's feelings, to break this tendency before it gets rooted and becomes a personality habit. Just think! A child who never begs, whines or cries for anything!" The context here is talking about infants being put to sleep. If you are training your infant not cry "for anything" you are taking away his ONLY means of communication. How else would you suggest he communicate? I DO get annoyed when my baby refuses to sleep when I think he's supposed to or when he wakes in the night. Part of parenting is being able to handle my annoyances with self-control and still responding in love and patience even when it's inconvenient for ME. Oh, how I would LOVE a world where infants and even toddlers never whine and cry for anything, but that kind of world would not help me grow into a less and less selfish person! It is NOT always better to train something out of a child JUST because a parent may be annoyed with it. Sometimes we as parents need to get over OURSELVES and serve the "least of these," which infants definitely are.

"My nine- and eleven-year-old daughters came in from a neighbor's house complaining of a young mother's failure to train her child. A seven-month-old boy had, upon failing to get his way, stiffened, clenched his fists, bared his toothless gums and called down damnation on the whole place. At a time like that, the angry expression on a baby's face can resemble that of one instigating a riot. The young mother, wanting to do the right thing, stood there in helpless consternation, apologetically shrugged her shoulders and said, "What can I do?" My incredulous nine-year-old whipped back, "Switch him." The mother responded, "I can't, he's too little." With the wisdom of a veteran who had been on the little end of the switch, my daughter answered, "If he is old enough to pitch a fit, he is old enough to be spanked.""  A 7 MO is incapable of defiance, of purposely disobeying. Furthermore, they are incapable of connecting their actions to a consequence. They simply don't have the mental capacity. PLEASE don't EVER "switch" any child younger than 18 months. It can't be anything but damaging.

"If a parent starts at infancy discouraging the first crying demands, the child will never develop a habit. In our home a fit was totally unknown because the first time it was tried it proved counterproductive." It is almost impossible to tell the difference between an angry "fit" and a crying for needs to be met until the age of 18 months. Please err on the side of caution!

Valetine's 2017! (& dates with kids)

Super Dad & I try to keep things simple for holidays. Although, as I'm writing this, it's Mother's Day, and he has wrangled the boys all day (even though they keep coming in trying to "tell on" him, lol), got me an instant pot (!), which I was not expecting, had the boys make cards for me, and is handling meals for the day ("handling", not cooking). ;) This is the only reason I've knocked out 5 blog posts on one day! You see how the man got his blog nick name!

For Valentine's, he & I don't go out on the day of, because, let's be serious, it's too crazy crowded! We don't do gifts for each other, either. We take turns planning something fun the other person would like, one of us each year, and do it on a weekend.

Two years ago, I started taking the boys on a date for Valentine's Day, alternating one each year. We work on our manners, and I let them plan some of it. The first year, Kruiser, age 5, says to me, "Mommy, don't worry about anything! I'm going to plan where we eat and where we got after and everything!" Of course, as they are getting older, Dad started taking the other one for a "boys' night", and now they fight over which gets to go with Dad! haha! #boys

I've read lately that some have a problem with parents going on dates with their kids, mostly daddy-daughter dates. If you look in a dictionary, a "date" is simply a set aside time to meet someone. You have play dates, double dates, coffee dates with friends. The word date is not sexual. So let's all ease up on the terminology others choose in their parenting. I feel like Christians are losing at choosing which battles are worth fighting with other Christians. One of Christ's last prayers on this earth was for unity for the church, so let's all strive toward that instead of nit picking each other. (ok, soap box done...)

making Valentines for friends

We eat the healthiest foods on these dates, ice cream & chicken nuggets!

Their gifts, a marker/coloring set to share & Reece's hearts. I try to stay away from toys on Valentine's & Easter!

Agreements with the Enemy

 
Whether we realize it or not, we all have a daily dialogue that exists in our heads, and much of it is influenced by our enemy. We misinterpret what people say to us. "Can you please stop making so much noise?!" Turns into, "You're annoying, and I don't really want you around," in an 8-year-old's head. "Why did you forget to pick up my dry cleaning?" can become, "You never do anything right," to our fallen minds and emotions. A friend recently told me, "Satan is all too happy to filter our interpretations." These are examples of lies we believe. John Eldredge calls them agreements with Satan.

Today, my 7-year-old begged to play video games with Dad before rest time (we usually do it after). After I told him I'd have to ask Dad first, he, sensing my hesitancy, proceeded to throw a 7yo tantrum, whining annoyingly and jumping up and down. At that point, I had to stick to my guns and sent him off to his room for rest time. He broke down in tears in his room, and like his heart was broken, said, "you just don't want me to have time with family!" (He had just gotten back from a fun outing with his dad.) I didn't punish him or get angry at his attempt at manipulation because it hit me as the all too familiar battle I too face every day. I took his little face in my hands and said firmly and lovingly, "STOP telling yourself lies! You are believing a lie. If what you just said were true, of course you would be upset & crying the way you are, and rightfully so. But what you just said is not true." I didn't have to give evidence that he has plenty of family time because he knew that and immediately stopped crying; his face softened. "But I feel like it's true." "I know," I said. "I deal with the same thing every day, and so does Daddy. We have to tell ourselves to not listen to the lies but what is true." I should have gone one step further and told him whom the lies come from and that his greatest battle in life will be fighting the Enemy and his lies every day of his life, in his own mind & in those he loves. "You're God's warrior, son, and this is your battle," I should have told him. 

What lies are you believing? What agreements have you made with the devil? "Why try? It's no use." "I'll never be good enough for her." "I'll never be loved the way I want." "He just doesn't care about me when he does xyz." "I'll never need anyone again." 

"The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy..." John 10
"The Son of Man came to seek and to save that which was lost." Luke 19

What have you lost that Jesus is trying to give back to you?

Kids' Checklist for Non-School Days

click on pic

The 5-Minute Soothe to Sleep Technique (for babies)

Click on the picture....

Vaccines, Part 2- Dangers

The vaccine debate is getting pretty crazy. My advice: stop debating and start researching. That's what I did shortly after my first was born, and I am finally gathering enough info to feel comfortable sharing some of it with you. This is a complex issue which each family needs to look into for themselves. Anyway, I hope this helps someone make a more informed decision. Check out Part 1 here.

1. If you're concerned about abortion, you should be informed as to which vaccines
are made using tissue from aborted children. These vaccines do not contain the tissue IN them, but the ingredients are cultured in fetal tissue. For some, you can ask for an alternative brand, but some have no alternative. This may interest anyone who's pro-life.


http://www.christianpatriot.com/vaccines.htm 

2. This is the government's table of possible, although rare, serious reactions with a timeline that they would happen in after vaccinations. This is what they go by when deciding whether to compensate for a vaccine injury, but it gives a blunt view of what can occur.

And here are the actual reported symptoms from real people for each year.

3.  Hepatitis B:

Risks outweigh the benefits of Hepatitis B vaccine at birth.

Also, autoimmune disorders linked to Heb B vaccine.

(NOTE: Mothers who have Hepatitis B should most likely have their babies vaccinated, as the disease can be transferred to the baby at birth.)

4. Aluminum in vaccines linked to auto-immune issues. 

5. The chicken pox vaccine has 2 dangers. One is that older people who have already had it need to be exposed to it every so often to boost their immunity to shingles. This doesn't happen nearly as much because children aren't getting it anymore, so the incidence of shingles is rising among older people.  The second is that it might shift the incidence of disease to adults (we don't yet know how long this vaccine lasts), where the disease is much more dangerous and more deadly.   LINK

6.  HPV vaccine: 


Can cause infertility, permanent neurological damage, and even death in many young people. As of August 13, 2012, VAERS has received 119 reports of death following HPV vaccination, as well as:

894 reports of disability
517 life-threatening adverse events
9,889 emergency room visits
2,781 hospitalizations
(I can get the source on this is you need it. I forgot to copy it while doing my research.)

7. MMR Dangers Explained (and the "debunked" study that linked it to autism.)

8. And... Unvaccinated Children 500 times Healthier (if you believe this study)

 

Trim Healthy Mama review + other books...

One of my New Year's resolutions was to read one book per month in 2013. Here is what I've read so far + reviews... :)

1.

C  I guess I just have a different sense of humor, but I stopped reading this about half way through. Just not that good.









2,
C   Again, maybe I wasn't in a the right mindset, but I didn't really get a lot out of this one either. If you are really new to mothering or children, then you might get a lot out of it; it just seemed really basic, maybe, and not super well-written. I also did not finish this one, so I counted both of these for one month. :)






3.  

A   This book will reeeeally benefit you if you have sugar issues, meaning, if you are constantly craving sweet foods or refined carbohydrates. It also talks about how sugar sensitivity is linked to alcoholism and other addictions. (After all, alcohol turns STRAIGHT into sugar in the bloodstream, and many alcoholics cannot succeed until the also give up sugar.) Cutting WAY back on sugar is something we ALL need to do, no exceptions, and I have recently done that. (Search for "Sugar: The Bitter Truth" on Youtube for an excellent video on the subject.) But if you are very sugar sensitive (which I found out I am not really, even though we all are affected by it), then you have to get rid of ALL of it, plus all sweet things, even Stevia. This book takes you step by step through the process without beating you over the head about it.

4.

A+   This book is amazing, wonderful, glorious, and all the other good adjectives in the dictionary, lol! It's the perfect eating plan/weight loss/ healthy eating for life book. It's written by 2 Christian moms with large families who did a ton of research on nutrition (one my FAV topics as well). One even used to be a Vegan. It follows pretty closely the philosophy of Weston A Price/Nourishing Traditions if you're familiar with that. I was always a fan of that farm fresh, whole food philosophy myself. It's not strict in that you can use some convenience and processed foods (or not if you so choose); you don't have to make everything from scratch and spend hours in the kitchen. You never go hungry or count calories. The books has lots of recipes, but once you learn the concept, you can adapt almost any meal to make it fit and research and find tons of recipes. The basic premise is separating your fats from your carbs and then getting rid of processed sugars and starches (simple carbs). There are very few "off limits" foods. It also has chapters on other health topics as well which I found enlightening: hormones, sex, exercise, etc. Love it. I use it all the time for reference, and even though I cheat way too much, I have lost 7 lbs! woohoo.

5. 

 A+    This is an excellent book! I highly recommend it!










6.  
B   I have not seen the movie yet, but this is an incredible story. The book does have some slow parts, and I personally thought the husband was pretty, ummmm, slow to learn in dealing with his wife. It seems like common sense to me that if your wife doesn't remember who you are, you have to woo her all over again and try to get her to fall in love with you, not push her away by making sure her physical therapist is pushing her EVEN harder than he normally would have and trying to be her coach and father. Yet someone had to tell him all this. Maybe it's just because I'm a woman that I think this way. Still a great story.  
 

7.

B            This book is full of tips for running a household, and it's not just for large families. I do think you need to go into it realizing that her EXACT methods may not work for you, and you may need to tweak a lot. I wish her tone was less "the is THE way to do it" and more like, "These are some ideas that have worked well for me." That's my only complaint about the book. It has a legalistic tone even if that isn't the author's intent. I really enjoy her blog, so I don't know that it was intentional. Just read it with the mentality to take what works for you and leave the rest. I do think it's a valuable resource!



8.
A+  This book is excellent! It's not a practical tips book (although there are some of those) but gets to the heart of issues moms deal and struggle with. While it probes deeply, it comes off with grace rather than condemnation. It's challenging and encouraging at the same time. Each chapter is so short you could read it as a morning devotional. I need to go through it again. It was so good I wanted to finish it quickly, but I need to read it more slowly to be able to digest the points she makes.


9.

A+  This is a Bible study I did with some friends. It goes through various issues like fear, discontent, anger, etc and teaches us how to deal with them by seeking Christ and His power to overcome them. It's full of grace and void of striving/try-harder theology that really cannot lead to lasting change. I like that she keeps the correct focus and gets to the real heart of these issues rather than sticking a behavior management strategy on them.



10.

B+   I was excited to do this study, as I love Jen Hatmaker's blog and listened to a seminar she did that literally changed my life. Her story of how she and her husband left "churchyness" and the Christian, comfortable sub-culture and moved to South Austin to start a church which focuses on meeting people where they are and helping the "least of these" is amazing. I think that the book that goes along with this study tells that story. We only did the study. It was good and challenging in a way unlike most studies I have done. It will stretch you! The reason I gave it a B instead of an A was because it didn't seem to come from the grace standpoint I wrote about in the previous review, but from a, "we're doing it wrong, we simply need to do better," standpoint. It also was not nearly as well written as some of her stuff I've read, included almost everything in her blog. The other reason was because she is misinformed about some political things and wrongly equates liberal politics with Biblical practices. She doesn't harp on it or speak very much about it, but some things written in passing I was shaking my head at. Overall, worthwhile, though.